A lot of people say they have no regrets, well that’s not true with me, I have regrets. I wish I was less selfish within our relationship. The man I was during the time leading up to your death just proved how selfish and hardened my heart truly was. I cared more about myself and my feelings during your death than you and yours. I was not unconditionally there for you, like I know you would have been for me and I am so sorry for that.
You were a good mom who let me know deep down that I was loved by you no matter what and I feel I can speak that for all of my brothers when I say that as well. You did all you needed to do to keep me going in my life. If not for your support, I would have never built the confidence to keep moving forward in my musical path.
I want to tell you how sorry I am for what you experienced in your own childhood and I am sorry that Christianity had to be mixed in with that injustice from your own family towards you. What you experienced was not Jesus, and Jesus cried with you through those painful experiences, I promise He did. As a man, I apologize for how you were treated by men in your life, I am sorry.
I so much wish we could talk now and I wish you could see me for who I am today in Christ. I wish I could be the one to show you who God really is and how He truly felt about you. I wish I could speak the truth to you about life, Jesus and eternity because I feel if there is anyone you would truly listen to, it would be me.
I never did get to “say what I needed to say” while you were alive, but I am thankful for the pain that I endured through your death which brought me to the end of myself and brought me to Jesus. Your death very well might have saved my life. I love you mom and I think about you all the time. I am praying for you, wherever you are.
Your son Josh